Shit Happens

In various world religions:

• Taoism: Shit Happens. If you can shit, it isn't shit.
  Shit happens, so flow with it.
• Hare Krishna: Shit Happens, Rama Rama Ding Ding, She-it happens,
  happens, happens, she-it, she-it... (Repeat until you become
  one with the she-it). Please, this flower and buy our shit.
• Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens", Confucious says, "If shit
  has to happen, let it happen PROPERLY"
• Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. If shit happens, it really isn't
  really happening TO anyone. Shit will happen to you next time.
• Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
• 7th-Day Adventism: Shit happens only on Saturdays.
• Hinduism: I've seen this shit before. This shit is not a religion, it is
  a way of life. This shit happening IS you.
• Protestantism: If shit happens, it happens to someone else.
          If shit happens, praise the Lord for it.
• Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
• Episcopalian: If shit happens, hold a procession.
• Lutheranism: Shit happens but as long as you are sorry, it's OK.
• Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.
• Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserved it. you were born shit, you are
  shit, and you will die shit.
• Charismatic Catholicism: Shit is happening because you deserve it, but we
  love you anyway.
• Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? Why does shit always
  happen just before you close the deal?
• Reform Judaism: Got any laxatives?
• Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah. If shit happens, take a hostage.
  We don't take any shit.
• New Age: That's not shit, its feldspar. A firm shit does not happen to me.
  This isn't shit if you really believe that it's chocolate. I create my
  own shit. If shit happens, honor and share in it! We are all part of
  the same shit. For $300, we can help you get in touch with your
  own shit.
• Wicca: If shit happened once, it will happen twice more. The Goddess
  makes shit happen.
• Jehovah's Witnesses: No shit happens until Armageddon. There is only a
  limited amount of good shit. Knock, knock "Shit
  happens", Here we insist you take our shit. Shit happens
  door to door.
• Secularism: Shit evolves.
• Darwinism: Survival of the shittiest.
• Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray. Shit doesn't
  happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it. Our shit will
  take care of itself. Shit in your mind.
• Atheism: I don't believe this shit. It looks and tastes like shit, so I'm damned
  if I'm going to taste it. Shit is dead. No shit!
• Religion from an Atheist's point of view: I haven't smelt, seen, touched or
  tasted it, but it's shit.
• Agnosticism: It looks and smells like shit, but I haven't tasted it, so I'm not
  sure whether it's shit or not. What is this shit!? how can we
  KNOW if shit happens? you can't prove any of this shit.
• Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit! Hey, this is good shit mon.
• Mormonism: if shit happens, shun it. Excrement happens (you can't say shit
  in Utah). Our shit is better than your shit. Shit happens again
  & again & again...
• Energizer Bunny: Shit happens and keeps going and going and going...
• Baptist: You are shitting and you'll be punished for it. We will wash the
  shit right off you.
• Southern Baptist: Shit will happen. Praise the Lord.
• Iraqi Bathist: Oh shit!
• Voodoo: shit doesn't just happen - somebody dumped it on you. Let's stick
  some pins in this shit! This shit's gonna get you.
• Televangelism: Your tax-deductible donation could stop shit from
  happening.
• Unitarianism: What is this shit? We affirm the right for shit to happen. Go
  ahead. Shit anywhere you want. It's not the shit that matters.
  It's the process.
• Orthodox: St. Sergius found his faith in deep shit.
• Greek Orthodox: Shit happens, usually in three's.
• EST: I am the cause that shit will not happen. You're responsible for all the
  shit that happens.
• Fundamentalism: There's no shit in the Bible. If shit happens, but don't
  publish it.
• Twelve Step: Shit happens one day at a time.
• Amish: Shit is good for the soil. This modern shit is worthless.
• Shintoism: You inherit the shit of your ancestors.
• Moonies: Only happy shit really happens.
• Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half the time.
• Bahaism: Why do you keep shitting on us?
• Mysticism: This is really weird shit.
• Paganism: Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
• Rajhneesh: Give us your shit and put on this orange suit.
• Rosicrucianism: What is this AMORC shit?
• Witchcraft: Mix this shit together and it will happen.
• Scientology: All this happens to be shit. If you leave us, bad shit will
  happen.
• Shamanism: Whoaa...Holy Shit!
• Sikh: Leave us alone.
• Dianetics: "Why does shit happen?" (p. 157)
  
  

In various other ways

• Yuppie Shit: It's my shit! It's all mine! Isn't it beautiful!?
• An Employer: Shit happens and rolls down hill.
• An Employee: I've done my shit, can I take the day off? This shit's not part
  of my contract.
• Environmentalism: Shit is biodegradable.
• Heisenberg: Shit happened, we just don't know where.
• Quantum Shittydynamics: Shit happens only in well defined quantities.
• Einstein: Shit is relative.
• Reaction to your Moth-in-Law: Relatives are shit.
• Washington: I cannot tell a lie - shit happens.
• Lincoln: Four score and seven shits ago...
• Nixon: Shit didn't happen and I didn't know anything about it.
• Reagan: I do believe shit happened, I was just taking a nap.
• Bush: Read my lips: no more shit! Wouldn't be prudent at this juncture. This
  looks like foreign shit. Let Baker handle it.
• Quayle: Whye doe peopl treate mee lik shite?
• Clinton: I didn't inhale this shit. I tried it before and I didn't like it...
• Perot: I'm sorry if I dropped you guys in this shit.
• McCarthyism: Are you now or have you ever been with Martin Luther
• King: Black and white shit CAN coexist...
• Julius Caesar: I came, I saw, I shit. (Veni, Vidi, Shitty)
• John Paul Jones: I have not yet begun to shit.
• James Tiberious Kirk: ..to boldly shit where no one has shit before!
• Computer Science: There's a bug somewhere in that shittttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
• Macintosh: (Enough said)
• UNIX/C: Core dump... shit!
• IBM/DOS: It's shit but at least it's compatible.
• Communism: It's everybody's shit.
• Marxism: The rich shit exploits the poor shit, but deep down all shit is alike.
  Dictatorship of the shit.
• Capitalism: Shit happens and it will cost you! If your going to sell that shit,
  at least make a profit.
• Cannibalism: Don't eat that shit.
• Vegetarianism: If it happens to shit, don't eat it.
• Hedonism: there's nothing quite like a good shit.
• Stoicism: This shit's good for me.
• Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen, shit it. Shit happening is absent.
• Realism: I think I need to take a shit.
• Denialism: What shit?
• Purists: If shit is to happen, let ONLY shit happen.
• Procrastination: I'll take care of this shit...tomorrow.
• Avoidanceism: With all this happening, I think I'll go shit.
• Repressionism: I think I'll hold this shit in forever.
• Fatalist: Oh shit, it's going to happen!
• Surrealism: Fish!
• Moilanenism: Smells like shit of Finnish fish.
• Nihilism: Let's blow this shit up!
• Fetishism: I love it when shit happens.
• Masochism: Do shit to me!
• Sadism: I will shit on you!
• Freudianism: Shit is a phallic symbol.
  
  

According to the Philosopher:

• Thales: Earth, Fire, Air and Shit.
• Epicurious: If shit happens, enjoy it.
• Socrates: What is shit? Why is shit?
• Aristotle: The essence of shittiness...
• Descartes: I think, so why am I in this shit? Shit, therefore I am.
• Lebnitz (As interpreted by Voltaire): The best of all possible shit in the
  world is made for shit.
• Thoreau: I wanted to live deliberately to suck the shit out of life.
• Sartre: Shit is meaningless! What is shit, anyway?
  
  
  

In various professions:

• Mathematician: Shit happening is just a special case.
• Statistician: There is a 87.3% chance that shit will happen... Maybe.
• Physicist (Theoretical): Shit SHOULD happen.
• Physicist (Experimental): To within experimental error, shit DID happen.
• Engineer: I hope this shit holds together.
• Chemist: I hope this shit doesn't blow up. Gee, what'll happen if I mix this
  and ... SHIT!!!
• Biologist: Is this shit alive?
• Economist: I hope nobody figures out that I really don't understand this shit.
• Bureaucrat: I'm sorry, but we can't do this shit until you fill form XJ-
  314159 to make an appointment with our Assistant Sub-
  Deputy Manager to obtain form ZN-271828...
• CEO: (1980's) I've got all the shit I want. (1990's) Oooh SHIT!
• Lawyer: For a sufficient fee, I can get you out of ANY shit.
• Doctor: Take two shits and call me in the morning. yes, it is definately a
  case of shit. $99.95, please... Shit, where's this organ supposed to
  go?
• Psychologist: Shit is in your mind. Everything that happens is shit, some of
  it is just repressing its subconscious shittiness.

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